#Not Better

The dishes started to pile high in the sink and spilled over onto the counter. The laundry became Mt. Everest and so did the piles of tissues, like an avalanche of white fluff on every surface and bed. My head was foggy and my vision, clouded. Lazy became mandatory instead of rarely optional.

We've been sick in this house, for oh, about 4 months. It started at the very beginning of November after a long stretch of health. We have had colds and ear infections, fevers and chills,  stomach bugs and pink eye.  I don't know if it's because of the "Snowpocalypse 2015" and the kids all being home and trapped in the house for a week and a day and then another day, but all the germs THAT HAD BEEN GIVEN NOTICE got together and formed a revolt. They did not want to go. The days sounded a lot like this: Cough, cough, cough cough cough... cough cough. Once I thought everyone was out of the woods, I caught a cold while recovering from the flu.

This is the way it is in a house with seven people. It's the reason I became a germophobe in the first place. It can take weeks and up to a month for sickness to make it's way through our house, once a bug decides to bite one of us. This time: MONTHS, guys. Would it be weird if I told you I am going a little crazy? Ok, I won't tell you then. BUT I AM.

In 2011, after a lovely Thanksgiving luncheon at Amaris's school, exactly 5 days later one of my twin girls vomited. Ok, no big deal. One time, no other incidents. 5 days after that, 3 of us were down and by down I mean we felt like we were dying. 5 days later, you get the picture, it spared NO ONE. And every day after that up until this, I have doused hand sanitizer on us all like it's life itself and I have silently freaked, every time someone coughed or mentioned belly aches. "Wash your hands!" comes out of my mouth almost as much as "I love you".

I have doled out the elderberry and the Emergen C. I drink apple cider vinegar.
I don't do the kombucha, crunchy Mama stuff but I do the healthy that doesn't taste like death, stuff. (My Mom and Dad think that the apple cider vinegar does indeed, taste like death).
We pray for health and most of the time, praise God, we really are healthy.

So this season has been the pits, but it hasn't killed me. And you wanna know what? I think God has been working on me in the midst of this.

 I joke, but the phobia thing is not good. It can really hurt people when you are afraid for your children to get too close to them because your whole house might get sick. Fear is never a good thing. It is the opposite of faith and will only take you further down a path you don't want to go. I should know.
Crazy enough, I think being forced along a windy,treacherous road of feeling lousy and my babies feeling lousy, I lost the urge to wipe every surface and wash every piece of visible skin. Somewhere between the midnight ibuprofen doses and fever checks, I felt God whispering to me that He is still there even when we feel miserable. He is our Healer and the lifter of our heads.

 I noticed a theme of letting go. We have already committed ourselves to paper plates due to our large family, but the dishes can still be CA-RAY-ZY. So it was hard to see them not getting done. It was hard to allow things in the house to become so disheveled because none of us felt good. But I learned that my home did not fall apart because Mommy wasn't able to do her normal.
It gave me more time for snuggling under soft, fleece blankets with my children. Our families showed up with soup and oranges and cake.
All the while, God was showing me that having no control is a good thing. He is still always in control.

 Sometimes, when you are faced with your fears for long enough, God can use it to trust Him more.  To let go of something you never had control over anyway.

 So here goes. Not easy, but I am letting go.

Wanna let go with me? I know there is no way you want to do what I have been doing the last four months, because it's not fun. But let it go without the lesson. The alternative could be a whole lot of tissues.

#BetterNow,

Yours Truely

Hi, it's just me

When God put it on my heart to write a blog, (and He.kept.on.) I was like "what the heck am I going to say?" I can't even put a post or picture on Facebook. How will I write about my life and LET PEOPLE read it?

I can't even begin to describe the dialogue that went through my brain. But I figured if I didn't just go with it, I would regret not ever taking risks; taking chances because my heart just wanted to do something. So here it is. Heart of a Girl.

In order to get aquainted with you and you with me, here are my current 10 loves. Share a current love with me so I don't feel completely ridiculous and like this is a freaking waste of time. And if you do, I will love you forever and ever. So that is a plus.


1. Of course I am going to say my family. You knew that, right? But seriously. I can't believe I am going on 15 years of marriage with my husband and we have 5 beautiful kids and we are not dead yet. If you have more than 2 kids, you know what I mean about the dead part. But this is an always love, not just a current love (DUH).

2. This girl. Her writing and her heart. www.flowerpatchfarmgirl.com Not to mention if you read her latest post "How I Survive Motherhood" it's basically me. Cooking is my love language.

3. Red nail polish

4. My middle-ish girl blowing kisses to me every single morning dropping her off.

5. Friday night pizza night with my husband (and all 5 babies)

6. The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst.  My Mom in law gave me this book for Christmas and it was pretty much the catalyst for me to start this blog. Thank you Mom T! You always find the perfect devos.

7. This wine ~> http://www.bighousewines.com/wines/cardinal-zin-beastly-old-vines/ I used to be such a wine snob and would not think of drinking boxed wine. Now I'm just too poor/old/overwhelmed with choices and I'm like Pffffft. Bring it.

8. Long phone calls with my Mom some mornings. And I am sorry that this followed the wine, Mom. It's totally not in order.

9.The friendly people at Pwublix as my twin girls call it. I know their faces and their names and for the most part they are so awesome. But if they continue to make note of the fact that I am there EVERY DAY I will delete this so fast.

10. This banana bread just came out of my oven. http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/banana-bread/51427396-6764-4b0a-a73a-78c683c703d2
Substitute sour cream and a splash of milk for buttermilk. Use half brown and half white sugar. Put the nuts, just trust me. SOOooo good!

Ok, there is a piece of this heart of mine. Share some of yours with me.  Love to you all!